The story

14 years is a really long time.  It is almost unimaginably long.  I can't imagine what my life will look like in another 14 years, but I can certainly remember the past 14 years.   

14 Years ago:  I don't often think about high school, I disliked most days and still get slightly sick to my stomach whenever I have to go back into that building, but random memories sometimes appear.  A certain boy had several classes next to mine and often walked with me to my classes, I never asked him what classes he was in, mainly because I didn't care, but everyday he was right there.  I started to look forward to my walks with him, it also meant that I didn't have to talk to anyone else in the hall since I was occupied, even so I began to enjoy it enough that I watched for him, he was a very comfortable person.  It wasn't until a few years after high school, about 5, that he told me he did not have even one class next to mine, but by then I had already married him so the walks appear to have paid off.

12 Years ago:  June 18, 1999 is a day I planned for months or avoided planning for months is a bit more honest.  I was annoyed that it had to be a big event, and "forgot" to send out invitations until a couple weeks before.  I wanted to elope, why did this even matter, but it mattered to other people so I went along with it.  What I did plan was the vacation after the event, that was my focus, the part I was looking forward to.  I was 19 years old and had been to Canada and a few places around the United States, but never to Mexico before, and we were going to a resort in Cancun (in retrospect, not a great place to go in the middle of June).  All my planning went into the vacation and very little into the Wedding ceremony.  About 25 family members made it, it was a beautifully sunny day, and the ceremony happened outside in a grasses church courtyard, with some hors d'oevres to follow, it was nice, festive and encompassed the required elements of a wedding, so it was successful.  The vacation on the other hand was a solid 4 out of 10, and a story for another time.

10 Years ago: Nov. 2001 we bought a house!  It was amazing it was 1700 square feet of beautiful plus an unfinished basement.  We both had great jobs, and I had yet to figure out how to make a friend even after living in Colorado for the prior 3 years...but that would eventually change.  Our relationship was pleasant, it was non-confrontational, and we both had lots and lots of personal space.  So much personal space that I ended up getting a dog, but that also happens later.

7 Years ago:  May 2004 I know that I just skipped 3 years but the only thing we did during that time was work in the day and go to school in the evening, but in 2004 we both finished our undergraduate degrees so were officially qualified for the jobs that we were already doing, but still it was exciting!  Now we would finally have time that we could spend together because goals had been accomplished.  That didn't actually happen, but I did end up making a couple friends so I now had hiking buddies (I was never going to get lost hiking the baseline alone again! Woot!)  

5-6 Years ago: 2005-2006 This year was the best year, of the 14.  It was everything that I thought I wanted in life and I was pretty sure that the rest of my life was going to follow suit.  We have been married for 6ish years, had been together for 8, and had known each other for about 17 (yeah, we met young!)  This year we did foster care (and got that dog), we had one child for a very short time period and she was adorable, it was a great experience, but nothing compared to the next child that came to live with us.  The second child we had come live with us, stole our hearts.  She was a tiny eleven year old with more spunk and spirit than you expect a child to have.  She loved art and music and thought math was a toxic idea (which was a little sad for me because my favorite extra curricular in school was math league...). We were able to work together to try and give her the best situation that we possibly could (we had never parented before getting a foster care license so we got to make it up as we went along).  The husband was wonderful at this transition, he was there and able to solve logistical problems when riding a bus wasn't a good option, he was there to listen and support the bad days at school, (every day was actually, "The worst day of my life!" according to her).  We got along wonderfully, and we were exhausted most of the time.  I had previously been worried about us having a child together because I wasn't sure that he would be able to offer the support needed to raise a child, this not only calmed any fear I had but obliterated it altogether.  She was amazing and we loved her and wanted her to stay with us permanently when we found out that another family had been going through the process to adopt her.  Although we were sad, we met them and became very excited for her.  They seemed to be the perfect fit for her, which made it easier on us and they let us keep in contact with her.  During her stay with us we had started tossing round the idea of having a baby together, we decided to that since she was so awesome and we had had a good time taking care of her that we could handle this.

5 Years ago: November 2006.  After months and months of not getting pregnant (honestly there wasn't actually much trying so in retrospect it's not that surprising that it took so long).  We were finally pregnant, and it was exciting and scary and I was looking forward to raising an awesome child with the person who I had just done foster care with, this was going to be awesome!  And it started out with a few hiccups, but nothing that seemed to difficult.  It started with puking, non-stop puking.  If I ate something the baby said, "No!" and it came back up.  I lost 25 pounds, which is not actually recommended when a baby has taken up residence.  I went to work, and told everyone about a day after I found out, I was excited!  I made it about 4 months before I couldn't go to work any more, I would walk by the coffee maker, the lunch room, a person wearing perfume, a dog (I worked in a dog friendly office), a copier (yes toner has a smell), and anything/everything and I would have to dive into a restroom to puke and puke and puke.  The puking wouldn't stop, it was months before it would subside despite the assurance that it only lasts through the first trimester...ALL LIES!  So I stayed home and puked, and that was much more comfortable, I was even able to go for walks most days.  And through the pregnancy my husband was wonderful, I felt like this was going to be the perfect set-up, why was I ever worried about becoming parents together.  He was compassionate, caring, attentive, and we seemed to connect better than we had before.

November 2006: A baby is more work than I ever expected, it is a 24 hour per day experience, there are no breaks and there are so many tears.  I was not good at this.  It was a horrifying and lonely experience.  
Modern medicine is great and because of it both me and my child made it out alive and healthy! Go science.  After 3 days we were allow to go home.  Our insurance was great and we had nurse home visits so we didn't have to drive the baby back to the hospital.  We got to have a bilirubin box brought to our house for the jaundice, and the fun just doesn't stop!  My husband disappears, well he could be found in the areas that he was always found in before, at the computer either working or participating in a hobby.  Turns out a baby is not like a child in school they are always there; not only for an hour before school and a couple hours after school/activities and before bed.  My husband was an irritable mess if he was woken up (really?!?) and was not really into taking care of an infant (probably because you can't discuss their problems and help them find solutions) but he was willing to do an evening feeding here and there.  I was shocked that I had to spend all this time with this screaming colicky bundle that was utterly unable to communicate with me.  But I was sure it would get better, maybe after his jaundice went away, maybe the house would start to clean its self, or maybe I'll actually start to like parenting.  Luckily my mother-in-law and my sister came and they were wonderful and helped out a ton.  Then my dad came and held the baby almost non-stop, but they didn't stay and we lived a long way away from them.  But we would soon move to be closer.

March 2007:  My husband was approved to work remotely, we sold our house, and we moved to Minnesota (It is cold! WTF were we thinking?)  The first week of March was -30 or colder everyday.  We actually moved here on purpose really WTF were we thinking, obviously not clearly!  My husband had always wanted to move back to Minnesota, and I always said, "sure, sure, once we have kids that would make sense."  I didn't actually think that we would ever have kids...but I was wrong.   Working from home might seem like a good idea, it might even seem like a great idea! Really who wouldn't want no commute time, everyone home for dinner on time, no getting ready in the morning because jammies are work clothes.  Sounds pretty wonderful, but remember that colicky baby from earlier?  Yeah, well he is still colicky and he is still waking up at night not to mention that he screams a good portion of the day.  Nothing is wrong with him according to the doctors, sometimes babies are just unbearably horrible.  The rental house is long so I can trap myself and the baby in the farthest room away from the office and it's OK, kinda OK, well OK for the husband to work anyway.  I can't handle being locked in a room all day, I can't clean because the baby is too loud for that side of the house, I can't cook  because the baby is too loud, I can only stay in this room with this screaming child.  So the solution? Drive aimlessly around town all day long.  This is not a good solution, but I was not sleeping much and my mental capacity was waning.  I became a pro at nursing in public.  The work hours seemed to get longer and longer, it is also possible that the work hours were exactly the same as they have always been and the hiding and hobby play had gotten longer and longer.  Either way, I was generally alone with this child who was usually screaming.  I decided that I needed to do something with my mind and I picked up some consulting work, just the amount that could be done during a nap, and I had those timed out to the minute.  What had happened to the person from last year? The one who was awesome at foster care and convinced me that we really were ready for this next step in life.  It went on like this for a while.

April 2008: We bought a house, it was in the country and I had looked at about 50 houses before I picked this one, my husband wasn't interested in house shopping, so when I thought one had potential I asked him to look at it, so he went a couple times and then was evidently bored with the process so decided that he wouldn't go any more.  I liked this house, it was a good price range, something either of us could afford with just one income, so not as awesome as our CO house.  But he had decided that unless we were actually going to buy a specific house he was not interested in seeing it, yeah that was weird.  So we put earnest money down, signed a contract, set a closing date, and went about with the purchase of the house. Two days before the closing my husband says, "I should probably go see the house we are buying, since it looks like it is going to happen."  Um yeah, OK I forgot that he hadn't seen it since pretty much every other family member from both our families had asked me to take them over to see it.  We bought the house, and moved in over a series of 4 very snow weekends in April.

The Rest of 2008:  Things went relatively the same after we moved, summer was better because I could be outside and people generally get out more in the summer.  I had not managed to make any friends, but did have family around that were more or less available to do things with.  My husband was laid off, which was a traumatic experience for him, one that he never truly recovered from, his image was tied to his work and when it happened he locked himself in the office for 4ish months until he was able to find another job.  He was offered 2 different jobs in 1 week.  One job in Minneapolis (yay! a metro area where things and people are) and one in a small small town on the boarder of Minnesota and Canada (where living things go to die).  They were both good offers, the metro one a slightly higher salary with some on call hours and a similar title to what he had.  The barren one offered a great salary with better benefits and a really cool title.  So we discussed it and he accepted the metro one for 2 days... then he announced that he had thought about it and had cancelled the metro acceptance and had gone with the job in the barren forsaken land of horror...WTF...again WTF!   We had already decided that I would stay near family and go visit him on the weekends, so he didn't see the big deal, it was a big deal.  But nothing could be done now so we moved him to the uninhabitable wasteland and I stayed in the house we bought by family.  It wasn't actually that big of a change, and our relationship improved.  We only saw each other on the weekends, he usually always drove the 2 hours, because there was nothing to do in the wasteland.  I wanted to start a business and thought that we could start a consulting firm, and then he could move back.  Some people should be left to their schedules, I learned this the hard way- later.  We continued with our distance arrangement and we started getting along better and better, this truly was the set-up that would have worked for us permanently if I was able to have let go of the hope that we could or even should live together again. 

2010:  Things went on and were good.  But I wanted 2005 again, I craved to be back in that place where we had been and I wasn't willing to let things be.  I came up with ideas, I always wanted to have my own business, I had studied business in school and I started writing business plans, several of them.  I wanted to work with the person I remembered working so well with in 2005 (living in the past is ALWAYS a bad idea).  He was willing to entertain my ideas and we finally found one that he liked, so I went about finding funding.  And by February of 2010 he quit his very scheduled 8-5 job and joined me in my entrepreneurial quest.  You either are an entrepreneur or you are not.  I understand myself but my vision lacks how others interpret their own worlds or what they are capable and comfortable with.  

April 2010: We opened a business together.  It was a good idea and it was a bad idea, when you run a business with someone you must communicate or you must do it yourself.  I understood this from marriage and I always chose the later, always.  Communication is very difficult with an emotionally healthy person, and I didn't take into consideration that his struggle with depression would carry over into work, he had always been so successful at work, this surely would be no different.  The year was a roller-coaster of awesome and WTF moments, the business plan was decent but didn't take into account that he might not actually be able to do all parts of the plan I gave him, I knew that I could do all parts that I gave me.  Everything seemed manageable and we were pushing forward.  I was content in the marriage, I was content in the business, and I was content parenting (something that went from hellish to awesome the instant my child could communicate with me, I still did the majority of it but had gained acceptance of the situation.)  I realized this year that I was going to be OK with whatever we decided and that I would very likely have a pleasant and uneventful life from here on out.  ( I was wrong)

January - April of 2011:
This is copy and pasted from other writings I did, I didn't want to write about it again.
1. The Beginning of the End
2. False Hope
3.  The Day Before
4. The Day